And if you threw a party: fucking at a swanky affair

TasteOfPace2-81DEAR LADY A: Let’s say you are a gay man, who mostly tops. From some of your more explicit columns, it’s not such a hard leap to make. You are older and more dignified than you used to be, not living every day like you’re Blanche Devereaux and not the kind of person who get’s “caught making out in the coats” anymore, but you would still like to spice things up by having secret sex with your partner at a friend’s swanky dinner party. What does your perverted little ginger head conjure up while picturing it? I’m planning on attempting this very thing, so I need ideas, friend.

– Dedicated “Kittenreader” And Friend

DEAR KITTENFRIEND: I’ll admit, in many spiritual ways, I am an older, more dignified, yet still delightfully perverted, gay man. I prefer to call it, an honorary Golden Girl, but I get your point. Your heart is true. You’re a pal and a confidant. So, thank you for entrusting me with the task of inventing a nominally risky exibitionist fantasy with all the heady adrenaline of getting laid in the coats during introductions but without the threat of public shaming or the chance of being disinvited to your friend’s next gastronomically pleasing shindig. So without further ado, let’s get you laid, sir. Picture it: Sicily, 1932 … or Chicago, a week from now, whatever. At a friend’s dinner party…

Have your partner wait for you in the bathroom. Make sure it’s early in the evening, hopefully after cocktails and before the appetizers (because no one wants to get plowed on a full stomach). The old, “I’ll be right back, I’ve gotta feed the meter,” should do fine as an excuse to join him without looking suspicious. OK, you will look suspicious. Most likely you will not fool a soul, not if these are real friends who know your history and your kinky ways. But it should provide enough of an attempt at subterfuge to avoid any hurt feelings they might have of being disrespected by your obviousness, so it’s an important step.

Now, when you get into the bathroom, have your pre-lubed condoms ready and try not to dally with lots of persuasion and/or foreplay. You don’t want party guests waiting for you. It could slow down the courses, and dry out the chicken. And no one wants to serve dry chicken, my kittenfriend. It’s arguably more embarrassing than getting caught fucking in a bathroom at a civilized affair.

When your man is sufficiently convinced that having sex right now is a good idea, stand him in front of the mirror, undo his pants and lower them only enough to reach his goods, the same for you. For the most part you’ll both remain clothed, but feel free to feel him up under his shirt, lick your finger and squeeze his nipple, that kind of thing, when you’re not busy giving him a sweet reach around. You’re going to enter him standing up, from behind. Pretty standard, I know.

The excitement will come from knowing you’re in a very public situation and must stay exquisitely quiet. Oh, and one more thing: Tell him he must watch the show in the mirror as you fuck. Again, you’ll be mostly covered, so this is about the faces you both make and noticing the subtle reactions you have. Study his face, the expressions he’s making, the way he has to bite his lip to keep silent, while you pump him. If he glances away or closes his eyes in bliss, slow your movement down until his attention is back on that bathroom mirror. Make him watch every single second of your fucking, every thrust you make forward, every time he angles himself further back to take one more inch of you, every swallowed grunt and drop of sweat that falls from one of your brows.

Watching people fucking is hot. Especially when it’s you and your partner and especially when it’s a social taboo. In enforcing this simple little mirror rule, you’ll inspire yourself and him to pay extra special attention in a way that, if you’re doing it right, should have you both mesmerized, finished in a flash and deeply, deeply satisfied.

After that, simply clean yourselves up — and the fixtures if needed, because leaving your partner’s cum on the sink is a definite party faux pas — then join the others for your next pleasurable course. You’ll have a very intense secret rendezvous between you and no one will officially be the wiser. Except your fellow kittenreaders and me, of course. But they won’t tell, and I’ll just be proud because my baby pulled it out and pulled it off, and because it was my idea. Hey, it turns out, you went to a party and the biggest gift really was from me. And the card attached would say, “Thank you for being a kittenfriend.”

About Lady A

Sex columnist and disciplinarian, Lady A is a headmistress with an emphasis on head. She may even spank you. But only if you like that kind of thing.