Perfect 10 whose superpower is shallowness

DEAR LADY A: I’m like J. Lo in the way that, even though I’m personally really good looking, I have a thing where I get into relationships with only unattractive guys. Basically, I can never find a hot guy when I’m single. But when I’m already dating someone, I’ll always see hot guys on the street or in a club or whatever looking at us wondering, “What is he doing with that guy?” I pretty much agree with them. Then I become mad, because basically some of my boyfriends have been harder to look at than Gigli! So, my question is, why can’t I find men who are my own status?

– Perfect 10 Who Only Dates Low 4’s

DEAR “10”: I’m not often taken aback by a question, but this one gave me pause. By which I mean, I paused to ask myself if you’re simply a pathetic, attention-seeking media troll like Ann Coulter, or if you’re seriously this delusional about your looks and just as self-aggrandizing. Like Ann Coulter. Just in case you actually believe what you’re saying, I’ve decided to address you earnestly and without a hint of sarcasm.

It’s interesting that you used the words “unattractive” and “Gigli” (shudder) to describe your boyfriends and not a more generous description like “rejected by unimaginative guys, but hot to me” or “rough around the edges, but truly compelling, like the cult hit, Selena.” This distinction is important because it proves that you don’t just have a quirky boyfriend type which tends to be difficult to explain to your shallowest friends but gets you personally hot and bothered. A Marc Anthony if you will, or a Ben Affleck during his big-headed, velour sweatsuit phase. The thing that you don’t seem to understand, “10” — if that is in fact your real number, which I doubt — is that Jennifer Lopez probably doesn’t think her dates are fours. She is sincerely attracted to them for qualities much of the world admittedly, cannot easily identify, but remain important for her, like Casper Smart’s dancer physique or Marc Anthony’s … um … musical talent … or something. According to your story, not only is the world confused by your unions (Side note: The world cares nothing about your affairs and unless you failed to mention that you’re a famous pop singer, you’re pathologically creepy if you think they do.) but you’re confused too. You only date men you think are beneath you. And that, my dear, highlights your ugliness, not theirs.

Now, I don’t know you at all, so I can only guess about the origins of your practiced and oh-so-intentionally-over-the-top narcissism. Perhaps you’re too young to know that “perfect 10s” cannot stay perfect and, respectful of that, should apply humility; maybe you’ve never been all that good-looking but your mommy, to salvage your delicate ego, constantly assured you you were. Or perhaps — and I’d put my money here — it’s option three: You’ve got nothing much going for you in terms of intelligence, charm or character, and sensing this, you’ve convinced yourself that looks have more weight in the world than they really do. A very sad reality indeed, but not one you’re willing to face, so I won’t waste your time. Or mine. In the end, it doesn’t really matter why you think this way, only that you do. Now, here is my answer to your question…

You can never find “attractive” men to date because you flatter yourself that no one is as handsome as you. This is an illusion you’ve created to protect your broken self-esteem.

You can find “hot” guys when you’re already dating someone, because with your particular brand of debilitating insecurity, only then is it safe to admit to yourself that someone other than you is attractive. They can’t reject you if you’re unavailable and not asking.

No one has ever stood on the street or in a club, staring at you and your date wondering, “What is that gorgeous mancandy doing with such a loathsome troll?” At least not in the order you’d think. I repeat, it has never happened … NEVER.

You cannot find men who are your “status” because due to your ungenerous nature, your shallowness, your overblown ego and the way you treat others, your status is very, very low. Like, in the low 2s, I’m thinking. Most men are gonna rate higher than that. Regardless of their physical perfection or lack thereof.

Well, “Perfect 10,” you got the attention you were seeking from me and from the Internets, so I suspect you’ll sleep well tonight. At least until you wake up in the cold sweats of horrible, horrible self-awareness. Please write to me if you ever want real advice on how to change your superficial ways. Until then, good luck out there, you loathsome little troll! Have a nice fucking day.

About Lady A

Sex columnist and disciplinarian, Lady A is a headmistress with an emphasis on head. She may even spank you. But only if you like that kind of thing.