To mark one year of Lady A’s incredible, helpful, sassy, sarcastic, hilarious, insightful and, of course, sexual columns, we’ve put together a list of her very best. You may call it self-love, but hey, there’s nothing wrong with that!
Dear Lady A: Skeptical about the B
DEAR LADY A: The people I know who claim they’re bi are attention-seeking and creepy. I honestly think, of the “bisexuals” I know, the guys are just gays who can’t emotionally handle being gay, and the women are trying to keep potential boyfriends interested with the promise of threesomes. Are actual bisexuals even real? If so, where are they hiding?
– Real Homo, Skeptical About The B in LGBT
DEAR DOUBTING HOMO: I’m not hiding and I’m bisexual, so your statement is really more about your own mistrust, isn’t it? It is the worst kind of queer self-sabotage to imply that a sexuality simply cannot be, because you can’t personally imagine it. It’s also ironic. Normally, I have a special contempt for assholes who attempt to inform me that my bisexuality is an urban myth promoted by terrified queens or an affectation I employ to impress my boyfriends. But I will try to exercise patience with you. I will even try to see it from your perspective for a moment…
Dear Lady A: Ejaculation etiquette
DEAR LADY A: I’m pretty new at this. In terms of ejaculation etiquette, while giving head to my clean, monogamous and STD negative boyfriend, should I spit or swallow?
– Newly Out and Still Learning Manners
DEAR MISTER MANNERS: You’re right. You are new at this. A seasoned queen doesn’t need Emily Post to tell him that men prefer a swallow. It’s a matter of penis ego. You see, every man wants to think his member is the best thing you’ve ever had in your mouth and his cum is just the proverbial hot, thick, sticky icing on the cake. Now, if you really don’t enjoy swallowing said icing, my advice is, be the cake. Most men like the site of their spunk drizzled down your chin so much, they barely notice that it was your sly way of not really having it in your mouth. Whatever you do, make sure you give him a good blow show and never, ever try to surreptitiously spit his sperm in your sock when he’s not looking. Lady A learned that lesson the hard way.
Dear Lady A: Red vag of courage
DEAR LADY A:I’ve recently gotten into debates with some very good friends of mine. They think that as a lesbian, I absolutely MUST earn my “red wings.” I know that “I’ve done it, so why hasn’t she?” is what is going through their minds.
I personally find period oral sex to be disgusting. Blood is not sanitary and, as a fanatic of vaginal nectar, it’s also the last thing I want to taste during sex. Am I being a bland, vanilla prude? Should I just suck it up (no pun intended)? Or am I right?
– Obstinate in Oklahoma
DEAR OK: I’m not sure I’m following the, “I’ve done it, so why hasn’t she?” logic of your friends’ argument, but I’ll get to that queer sabotage in a moment. Regarding your sanitary concerns: Menstrual blood is a body fluid and as such can spread STDs including HIV. Which means, if you haven’t both been tested and monogamous, regardless of your predilection for or against the taste of blood, you shouldn’t do it without a dental dam. Now, if you’ve tested and vetted, determined the risk to be nada and still just plain hate the idea, I want to assure you that your position on this subject is far from abnormal and most certainly does not make you a default “vanilla.”…
Dear Lady A: Does anyone really like fisting?
DEAR LADY A: My question is really simple: Does anyone really like ass fisting? I mean really? I think things slip into the sexual lexicon sometimes just based on their absurdity alone and the next thing you know everybody thinks it’s normal to have a hand up their ass. I don’t think it’s sexy and I think I’d break up with any guy who attempted to try it on me. What do you think?
– Keep Your Hand Out Of There
DEAR HAND OUT: Well sir, it’s difficult to find a scholarly and definitive history of fisting — a “fistory” if you will — but it does seem evident that ass fisting is as old as the hills. So, the answer to your question must obviously be, yes. Some people really do like it. And I would hazard a guess that many of these people could in fact be categorized as “normal” and not coerced by overzealous porn fans or brainwashed by modern social/sexual precepts…
Dear Lady A: DIY dental dam
DEAR LADY A: You’ve said more than once that you feel strongly about using dental dams, but what if you can’t find them in your drugstore and you need one, like, right now!?
– Frustrated Femme
DEAR FRUSTRATED:If you need a dental dam, “like, right now!” and you’re in a drugstore that doesn’t sell them, buy a pair of scissors and a pack of unlubricated latex condoms. You’re going to build your own dam, you crafty kitten! Don’t worry, it’s easy. No glitter or crochet patterns required for this DIY. (Although flavored condoms might be fun. Just don’t bedazzle them.)…
Dear Lady A: 10 rules for pragmatic perverts
DEAR LADY A: You seem like a shining example of daintiness, good hygiene and overall decorum. What would you say are some of your lesser known rules of gay male sextiquette and/or practical advice?
– Protocol Is For Queers, Too
DEAR P’s For Q’s: Thank you for noticing how shiny and dainty I am. It’s true I wear white gloves to tea, brush my hair at least a hundred strokes a day and I always wash my dildo strap with lavender soap, because that’s just the kind of punctilious bitch I am. One day, I will write a book: Lady A’s Essential Guide To Sanitary Snatch, Penis Propriety And Most Agreeable Anus but until then, I’m happy to share a few of my more obscure — but just as relevant — guidelines off the top of my head. Here are 10 essential rules for perverts who’d like to be pragmatic and proper, in no particular order…
Now it’s your turn, Kittens. Tell me what your favorite Lady A column is or ask me a question if it’s not already written.