Last week, a co-worker of mine was telling me how his almost 2-year-old daughter has a favorite new word: “NO!” I loved it. In fact, as we parted, I was wishing some of my clients could get more comfortable saying the word “no.” What is the challenge in saying this simple word?

From working with others, and my own personal experience, it seems to come down to the fear that if we say “no,” people may not like us. It also has to do with the fear of hurting or inconveniencing someone else. This fear can be so strong people will sacrifice their own wellbeing to please others.

Saying “yes” when one really should say “no” can create a lot of stress. One example is when saying “yes” means we are over-committing ourselves. Why do we do this? Any number of reasons from we don’t want to be (or appear) selfish in not helping, to we don’t want someone else to feel burdened by our “no.” Consequently, sometimes the quality goes down in everything we are doing because we simply have too much work to do.

But if we said “no” in this instance, one might look at this as an opportunity to allow more time and energy to honor those things that already have our “yes.” We would be providing better quality by limiting the quantity. And everyone would win. Really? Well, we win by not stressing ourselves out. The prior commitments win because they can have 100 percent of our attention and we are not stressed. And the person we said “no” to is free to find someone who can give a 100 percent “yes” to them.

Here are some great tips (modified from a Staff publication at the Mayo Clinic) on figuring out when to say “no”:

• Figure out your priorities.

  • Is this new commitment important to you?

  • Yes? Do it.

  • No? Don’t do it.

• Ask – to stress or not to stress?

  • How much stress will be added to your life by saying “yes?”

  • Is this stress something you can live with and not create resentments towards yourself or others?

• Plead “Not Guilty”

  • How much is guilt playing a part in your saying “yes?”

  • If you let go of the guilt and did what you really wanted to do, what would be your answer then?

• Mull it over

  • Not 100 percent sure of what to say? Wait. Rarely does waiting an hour or even a night to give an answer create negative consequences. But I have seen clients in pure hell for answering right away and then almost immediately realizing they should have said the opposite.

The next challenge can sometimes be actually saying “no.” How does one do it?

• Use direct language (like the word, “no”). The goal here is to avoid mixed messages like “I think…” or “I’m pretty sure…”

• Be specific and brief in your explanation. Avoid justifying your answer or getting into a conversation that might lead to you saying “yes.”

• Tell the truth. Avoid making up reasons. If the truth does come out later it can have negative consequences on your relationship. Plus, being honest validates you and your choices.

• Be positive. Try to affirm the person or group and what they are doing. This way there is an opportunity for them to feel supported even though you are saying “no” to their specific request.

• Hold your ground. After you have made your decision, calmly stick to your “no” if it is challenged. If you feel a change of heart coming on, remember you can always say something like, “Perhaps I do need to reconsider. Let me take some more time to think about your request.” The important thing, though, is not to say an automatic “yes.”

When you say “no,” be prepared for some people to be disappointed. That is OK and does not mean you are doing anything wrong. If you truly want to help, perhaps brainstorm ways that the current request could be changed to fit both their needs and yours.

“By saying yes when you need to say no, you cripple the most important relationship in your life: the relationship between you and you.” ~ Nea Joy

If you have a question you would like to ask Bob, email him.