DEAR LADY A: How do I convince my boyfriend about the wonders of analingus? He claims absolutely no interest in that area. Oh, he’ll let me fuck him there, but he can’t imagine getting any pleasure from me just planting a few well-placed licks. He says, and I quote, “It’s not a snatch!” Whatever. Can you help me explain that there are tons of neglected nerve endings back there and that it could all be good, clean fun? He doesn’t want to listen to my reasoned, intelligent speech on anus anymore and I need your professional help. And before you ask: Yeah, I’d like him to do it to me, but this really is more about how much we’d both get off (He’d be such an ideal husband), if I could do it to him.
– The Importance of Loving Anus
DEAR IMPORTANCE: For fucks sake, stop trying to talk him into it, or even worse, condescending to him by “explaining” his own sexuality. No matter how logical or biology-based it is, a speech titled “A Reasoned Defense Of Rimming” will do nothing but prove that you’re insensitive and intractable, so stop telling him he’s wrong for his feelings and start showing him that you can be trusted to treat him right.
As for addressing my question before I even asked it, aren’t you just a little smartypants who makes references to witty queer writers and thinks he knows everything? Well, I think I know everything, too. So, I already knew your answer: Of course you want him to eat your figgy pudding! (“Eating figgy pudding.” — that’s the analingus euphemism we decided to make into a thing, right kittens? ) Stay honest about that reality but definitely stick with your plan of servicing him first. Probably numerous times before he actually reciprocates, if ever.
Since you mentioned nothing about any fears he has of fingers, I’m guessing you can convince him to let you nurture his nerve endings … Just start with a well-lubricated fingertip. While you’re giving him head, keeping said digit on the outside of his anus and very, very moist with lube (I cannot stress the wet factor enough when you want to mimic a mouth and the last thing you want him to experience is a rugburn), begin to rub his asshole gently with the pad of your finger in a circular motion. He’ll need time to accustom himself to the sensation, so be gentle and slow-moving in your approach. Change up your hand movement, so that your finger is gently gliding up and down against his ass just as he approaches orgasm. I realize you’ll be pretty busy with his erection in your free hand and between your lips, but try to remember to place the focus on your goal: his butt. Do not get so distracted that you stop massaging that hole. The only real trick is to keep your finger lubricated and moving like a tongue might lick until he hopefully gets the idea.
It should not take long for him to notice the added, mind-boggling sensation of being finger-rimmed. Tease him with your fingers for a few sessions until he’s over his silly snatchphobia, and thoroughly persuaded that assplay feels good. When you think he’s mentally and physically prepared to move forward, take a shower together (for his piece of mind, since he’s worried about cleanliness), move to the bed and ask to be allowed to give his hole a little lick. Again, you’ll start in a circular motion, and switch to more intense, rhythmic strokes, but this time with your flattened tongue. You can keep him confident about hygiene by using a dental dam. Yes, a dental dam! It’s not just for vages, and you should have been using it in the first place, so don’t give me any guff, sir. Besides, when you employ dental dams (you can easily DIY make one out of a condom if you’re in a dam jam) you get to choose from many fruity flavors like strawberry, grape and banana. Flavors that just might get his mind out of scatalogical territory and may in fact be a catalyst to move him from receiving, to applying what he’s learned, if you catch my meaning. Keep the damn extra lubricated on his side, so that it really feels like a hot, wet tongue, and go to town!
Now, there’s always the chance that he just plain hates the sensation, and that’s something you’ll have to deal with gracefully and humbly. But, if you take your time and ease him into the process, he’ll probably admit he kinda likes it. By which I mean, analingus makes him come so hard it registers on the Richter Scale and legislators pass a new bill about fracking.
Just think Earnest — erm, Importance — it was really not so long ago that Oscar Wilde could only hint at assplay in his work. These days, it’s everyone’s right — Nay, duty! — to openly discuss the joys of partaking in that party at the end of the hall. “Party at the end of the hall” is another analingus euphemism I’d like to make into a thing. Because figgy pudding is more of a holiday-themed rimjob and Christmas in October is just tacky.