DEAR LADY A: I’ve been told that I’m just too vanilla. My boyfriend told me if I was a sexual ice cream it would be “unflavored.” I’ve tried various things with various partners but the truth is I just prefer the alternating trio of missionary/doggy/cowboy. I blew off the criticism at first, but now I’m starting to wonder, am I too boring? If so what should I do about it? I’m starting to wonder, what would the harm be in just pretending? I’ve faked interest, I’ve faked attraction, I’ve even faked an orgasm. When I was in the closet I faked being straight for years. Maybe I could pretend to get off on balloons or the sound of firecrackers or having my guy rub waffle fries all over my body. What would be the harm?
– Vanilla Kink
DEAR VANILLA: So, to summarize: You spent years acting straight before you actually came out. And you don’t see the harm in pretending to like something to which you’re secretly, at best, indifferent. Let’s not shove you back in the closet just yet, honey.
I’ve heard of much bigger ruts than yours, so if your sexual ice cream flavor truly is “un,” you’re probably not as good at faking interest and attraction (and orgasm) as you think you are. And maybe, just maybe, that detachment — and the absence of emotion and inspiration that would be the predictable result of not really giving a shit — is the real reason you’re boring in bed. An alternating trio of missionary/doggy/cowboy does not necessarily have to be vanilla, Vanilla. But in order to be truly good in bed, you have to want it.
In my experience (and I will admit, I have never been with anyone who wanted to rub waffle fries all over my body … But I do like ketchup, so it could work) it’s not the number of S&M games one is willing to play, or a person’s threshold for weirdness and balloons that makes them hot in bed, it’s the way they react within any sexual situation, be it “conservative” or “kinky.” If you’re truly attracted to your partner; if you’re riding him good-old, boring cowboy style and your face reflects that agonizing sweet spot that he’s hitting as you move. If your voice rises up just a little bit when you’re close to climax, and you tell him — and mean it — how tight and perfect he feels when you’re pumping in and out of him, I’m guessing he won’t be that bored.
As for kinks, I’ve had a few. I’m never against them because they can serve to keep things playful in the bedroom. But your job, Vanilla, is to find things that you both like, not just play along with his petulant ass as he whines that he can only orgasm to the sound of firecrackers. And, by the way, if your guy genuinely can get off only to firecrackers, balloons, waffle fries, or anything else, I assure you, HE’s the one who’s boring, not you. And if that is the case, then perhaps it’s time for you to look for someone else. Someone who excites you, inspires you (whether it be to cowboy better than you ever have before, or tie him up and spank him with wet waffle fries); someone who doesn’t require little white lies and concessions by you, and definitely someone who never blames you for his own sexual deficiencies.
DEAR LADY A: What’s the best place to store your sex toys and keep them hidden? Between the natural nosy-ness of my children and the fact that I have a cleaning service come in once a week, I’m really paranoid about who’s seeing, handling and juggling my big jelly phallus or whose little hands might think that strawberry massage oil looks tasty. In my younger days when it was just me I’d shove it in a sock in my underwear drawer without a second thought but now no place seems safe. Do I need a vault, a safe a loose floorboard? I’m open to suggestions.
– Toy Store
DEAR TOY STORE: If you’re only concerned about kids and cleaning service, and you have a certain degree of trust with the adults in the household, don’t worry about purchasing a safe or storing your jelly phallus in a loose ceiling panel like it’s an escaped convict or a pirate treasure. Just go to an office supply store and buy yourself a small, ugly file cabinet with a lock. Put your toys in a shoebox marked “Adult” and “Private” (so that any unexpected adult file-searcher will hopefully get the hint) and stick said shobox in the locked portion. The thing about a file cabinet is it promises nothing but boredom and “grown up people problems.” No kid in their right mind would have the patience to pry open the lock, because they’re aware that there’s absolutely no payoff to riffling through mom’s old receipts and bills. Keep the cabinet in your bedroom closet, hide the key in that sock in your underwear drawer, and you’ve got the perfect, unremarkable-looking hiding place. Or you could just throw it all in a drawer like you used to do. The worst-case scenario is the cleaning service might see something they run into a hundred times in a month, or your kids might ask you something embarrassing that you’ll just have to answer with frankness and honesty. Either way, I promise, your toy store need not be a source of paranoia. Toys are for playing, not shaming. Remember that always kitten, and don’t worry so much. Now, go in and play.