Photo: Jennifer Wolfe
DEAR LADY A: The second guy I ever slept with told me I had an ugly sex face. He wasn’t trying to be mean but its been over three years since then and after about 10 partners I still can’t shake the idea that he’s right. No one else has ever said it, but I keep imagining they’re all thinking it! I’ve done everything I can think of — I practice in the mirror, I look at the faces other people make and try to emulate them, I’ve even tried putting a hand over my face/eyes when I come, y’know like that’s my thing when ‘m in the throes of passion. But when the big moment comes, I panic. I freeze up and I think my face might actually go blank. I’m getting really turned off to sex nowadays. I feel like I’m acting from start to finish and it just doesn’t seem worth it anymore. So, do you teach any sexy-face classes or do I just have to start choosing between ‘ugly face’ or ‘corpse face’ because those seem to be my only two options?
- The Mirror Has Two Faces (Both Of Them Bad)
DEAR CORPSE FACE: I want to get one thing clear: Your partner WAS trying to be mean when he said what he said. Who knows why? A disappointing orgasm causing a momentary glitch in his nice guy matrix? Unrealistic expectations because he hadn’t experienced real-life, non-pornographic sex before? Maybe he was generally snarky and awful (snarkful) — the kind of person who’d lash out at you because you had a bad haircut or left a sock on the floor — but this was the only insult you actually took to heart. Most likely, he was very insecure about his own ugly sex face, so he kindly transferred that negativity and poor self-esteem onto you. I’m glad you broke up!
We all worry about our sex face (Well … not I). That’s why there are countless blogs, articles, testimonials and comedy acts built on our paranoia about this subject. But the people who insult others at their most vulnerable and physiologically chaotic are immature, capricious, naive about sex and generally unlikeable people. Assholes, if you will.
The first thing you need to do is let go of something said to you by some insignificant, snarkful asshole three years and 10 partners ago. He’s gone on to insult plenty more men, I presume. It’s time you moved on, too. Stop the creepy, emotionless corpse act immediately and accept the fact that you don’t have an “ugly sex face.” You have your sex face. Orgasm triggers many complex and wonderful reactions in our body, one of which being the temporary silence of the lateral orbitofrontal cortex in our brains. Rendering us for all intents and purposes out-of-control, drooling, shuddering idiots, at least momentarily. In other words, yes. Your default climax expression may in fact be twitchy, bulgy-eyed and absolutely awful looking in any other context. But so is everyone else’s. That’s why we leave our orgasm face in the bedroom where our partners (the deserving ones, at least) inevitably find it adorable and even flattering that they were able to bring us to such delightfully ridiculous-looking paroxysms. Try not to make that face when you’re picking up the mail or interviewing for a job and you’ll be fine.
As for that sexy face class, I suppose I could tell you some techniques like sucking his finger as you come, or simply letting your head fall back to highlight the broadness of your neck so you don’t have to worry so much about your expression. But my purpose here, kitten, is not to teach you how to act like you’re having fun in bed. My job is to help you gain the skills and confidence to actually achieve it. So here is my practical advice…
All alone where no one can judge you, I want you to film your face as you masturbate. Do not try to act. Your goal is to be as honest and uncultivated as possible because you’re going to watch yourself at your very “worst.” After you orgasm, go back and view the moment. Really watch it. Since your subsequent partners have found no reason to complain, my guess is, after a little art film “exposure therapy” you’ll find that your climax face isn’t really all that bad. Compare yours to the face that your hottest partner made, the quivering, moaning, slightly pained expressions that made you come so fast you didn’t have time to put on your corpse act. You might just see a slight resemblance between his exquisitely unabashed expression and your own.
The worst case scenario is, you really do have an unattractive sex face. And if you do go all droopy, drooly and weird at your moment of release, welcome to a large part of the sex-having population, kitten! Find another hotty whose orgasm expression is not-so-hot and bone each other senseless anyway. “Ugly Sex Face” is in the eye of the beholder. And audacious, unapologetic, all-out, sweating, grunting fucking trumps it every time.
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