DEAR LADY A: As a school kid, my friends and I would talk about bizarre, wacky, and seemingly impossible sex techniques that we had heard from a friend of a friend who saw a porno once. Some of my favorites include:
The Screaming Pelican – a man and a woman have sex on the beach. The man pulls out, puts his member in the sand and shoves it back into the woman.
The Bronco – A man has mounted his partner from behind and then, the man’s friend leaps out from the closet yelling angry things. The man must then try to continue holding on for 8 seconds.
The Abe Lincoln – A man shaves his pubes and keeps them nearby. He busts on the jawline of his partner and then places the pubes on the jawline to create an Abe Lincoln beard.
I have a lot more, but I think you get the picture. One thing that I noticed is that all of these involve men and I was curious if women had invented any bizarre sex techniques like this?
– Desperately Seeking Strawberry Shortcake
DEAR SHORTCAKE: First, I’d be irresponsible if I didn’t mention that no one should ever actually attempt The Screaming Pelican. Grains of sand in a human clam shell will never result in a pearl, but are guaranteed to require medical intervention of a most unpleasant kind. On the other hand, bravo on the Abe Lincoln. I enjoyed reading it because it’s visual, it’s disgusting, and most of all it’s patriotic. As for your question: Yes, of course women have invented bizarre sex techniques and scenarios. A real life example might include “scissoring”. Have you seen what that actually looks like? It’s pretty bizarre. Very, very hot! But bizarre, nonetheless.
As for our ability to be over-the-top filthy in our imaginations, I’ve got to say, you men have nothing on the ladies. Even way back when, as children, we girls were perverted little maniacs like the boys. Our minds were just as weird and taboo-obsessed then as they are now, but without the practical knowledge and wisdom that we’ve hopefully gained in adulthood. We had silly, immature, ridiculous notions of sexuality that we traded on the playground. And, regardless of gender, all children had a friend of a friend who once saw a porno. That friend was me. Okay, I hadn’t actually seen a porno. But I relayed what I heard from a cousin who really did have a friend of a friend who saw a porno once. Well, a part of one. OK, he heard one….Not really. But we all had vivid imaginations!… OK, just me.
I cannot recall any specific titles or descriptions for the bizarre sex techniques we (okay, I) invented for friends’ entertainment during sleepovers and whispered playground discussions. But I can tell you a few that I invented today. I like to think they’d have left my prepubescent self — Little Miss A — fascinated, horrified and proud…
Mirror-bating – Stand opposite your partner and pretend you’re looking in a mirror while masturbating. You must match each other rub for rub. (Also called panty-miming)
Snatch-carade – Having fun with more than one partner? Dress up your collective snatches with paper masks and feathers. Have a parade!
Lord of the Ring – Two queer, male Comic-Con enthusiasts. One cock ring. Elvish is spoken.
Lettuce Fetish – A more literal rendition of tossing one’s salad.
The Arachnid – Catch your “prey” in a giant, man-sized Scotch tape spider web. Have your way with them while their arms and legs are restrained. Make sure something is tingling. I don’t mean their Spidey sense.
The Rimshot – They have to tell you jokes despite the obvious distraction. If you stop laughing, their rimjob abruptly ends. This is particularly good motivation for would-be stand up comedians working on their craft.
The Monty Python – Sit on their face.
The Edgar Allen Pole – A very tall, fancy man recites dark poetry as you ride him. Quoth the raven, “He may be sad and gangly. But he’s proportionate!”
The Chick-Fille-Lay – Protest chicken! Eat fish instead. Finger licking good. And it’s the only “eating out” you’ll ever want to do.
The Sex And Sexability – Read Jane Austen together. Spend most of the evening in denial. Take many walks about the room. Toward the end of the night, formally declare your intentions. Have sex wearing bonnets.
The Zamboner – Not sure exactly, but it involves an erection, some ice and professional hockey on tv.
The Carrot Cake With Ginger On Top – Two redheads frotting.
That last one’s my favorite, but you probably knew that, Shortcake. The truth is, we’re never too old, too smart, or too mature to make up new and more ridiculous sexual scenarios to laugh about. And we need never lose our youthful curiosity or our amusement about our own sexuality. Sex is a curious and amusing thing. It’s full of pitfalls and questions, clumsy delight, outlandish fantasies and hilarious outcomes. That’s the real joy of sex, isn’t it? Our ability to be creative and silly, our endless desire to play. That’s the reason we never get tired of talking (and whispering) about it. And it’s why I have this job.