Photo: Jennifer Wolfe
DEAR LADY A: I have identified as bisexual for a long time and I am currently in a longterm, committed relationship with a man. I’ve had the worst track record in finding a woman I click with and who would actually give me the time of day romantically. I have only had sex with one woman and she was kinda nuts, but the physical part of it was incredible. Sometimes I think I settled for dating men as a substitute and crutch of convenience because I’m so shy around women, much more confident with men and add in that my family is very anti-gay so I’m fearful of fully coming out. What I’m worried about is whether or not I’m being truthful with myself about being bisexual — and please know that I wholeheartedly believe that bisexuality is real, that many men and women genuinely feel equal attraction for both sexes, I defend it often. For me personally, I have a track record of having to get drunk to get in the mood with a man, or I only get really turned on with them once they’re actually touching or kissing me and my eyes are closed. I can just look at a woman and my skin heats up all over, my eyes glaze, I get full body tingles, I’m light headed and so creamy in my panties that I feel like a crazed animal.
My boyfriend has actually joked many, many times that he thinks I’m fully gay and now I’m starting to genuinely question that. When I’m with my current boyfriend, sweet and wonderful as he is (he is honestly my best friend, though the chemistry is questionable), I often have to picture a woman touching me and going down on me to get off. He’s open to me exploring my desires further with women, though he would like to be present (which sort of creeps me out), but I think it might destroy the relationship. I guess my question to you is just … What do you think?
– Unsure
DEAR UNSURE: Well, kitten, you’ve written quite the complex query. To make it easier to communicate exactly “what I think” let’s break it down to the heart of the matter…
Are you really bisexual? Or — due to family pressure and awkward attempts with women — are you just lying to yourself; afraid to come out as a lesbian? The short answer is, I don’t know. I would never flatter myself that I could definitively interpret the things that happen in your head and your heart. Or for that matter, in your pants. But I can tell you that sexual orientation is often complicated; it can be fluid for some people, and because it involves emotional connection, friendship and romance, it’s always about more than just who gets you creamy right now.
It occurs to me that your history with women is so condensed that you may be idealizing the experience; fetishizing snatch because, until now at least, it has been the ‘ungettable get.’ This is perfectly natural considering you already know pretty lady parts turn you on. Why shouldn’t you obsess over something you feel you haven’t really tasted? Regardless of your bisexual, lesbian, fluid or “other” status, it makes sense to fantasize about what you know you want but as of yet have not had. But fantasy alone, does not a sexuality make. (Thank god!)
Perhaps you are a lesbian and that’s why women get you so electrified … while, on the other hand, you feel you have to be drunk to get horny with a man. In your case, I think that is a very real possibility. But not a guarantee. If every straight woman who’d ever felt uptight in bed, or occasionally repulsed by smelly old cock and balls, was suddenly categorized as homo, there would be very few straight women left in the world. Let’s assume for just a moment that, like me, you really are unquestioningly bi (which doesn’t mean you’re attracted to men and women equally, by the way) and capable of complete compatibility with peen. Now, allow me to walk in your shoes …
As a confirmed bisexual, I would feel hostile toward any person who was always “joking” that I was a lesbian. There’s something passive-aggressive about that “joke,” isn’t there? A kind of requirement that I jump through hoops to prove myself and my loins to him on a daily basis? I wouldn’t want to fuck that person either. Because I wouldn’t trust him to trust me. And that’s not sexy on anyone. The resentment between us would push us apart, throw our chemistry off, leave us both questioning everything.
Read Lady A’s forceful response to a bisexual skeptic here.
What I’m getting at, kitten, is it’s not your boyfriend’s place to continuously question your loyalty to him or to your current sexual orientation. Tell him you need his trust and his patience. And that, if anything officially changes with your bisexual status, he’ll be the first to know. Until then, tell him to lay off the jokes. Oh, and tell him, “hell to the no!” in regards to that menage a trois idea. It’s not that bringing in a third party is disruptive of every relationship. I myself, have been part of happy trios now and then. But I’ve noticed that, in threesome situations, when one person suspects it “might destroy the relationship,” it most definitely will.
I realize you’ve struggled with these matters for quite some time, now. And I do understand the importance of qualifying labels when contemplating one’s place in the world and in the rainbow. But I would urge you for now, to avoid a panicked “I guess I must be a lesbian!” announcement. Embrace the uncertainty that you have, talk about it, continue to take stock of yourself but stop listening to other people’s assessments. So, are you being truthful to yourself about your bisexuality? You are, if you keep an open mind about your LGBTQ label. Because believe it or not, no title is the wrong one. As complicated as things may feel, if you do decide you have more coming out to do, life has a way of working these matters out. Perhaps one day, your boyfriend will simply be your best friend. Or maybe you’ll marry him. But unless he’s on one knee asking you to commit to forever, don’t worry about it so much today. Be the ‘B’ or the ‘Fluid’ or the ‘Q’ or the ‘???’ in the relationship. Who cares what you call it, really? Just be yourself.
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