DEAR LADY A: My partner is really into dirty name-calling during sex. I don’t mean just saying “suck my cock,” or “call me daddy.” I mean more along the lines of asking me to call him “a slutty cocktaker” or “filthy whore boy” mid-coitus. In real life, he’s really sweet and shy. He hasn’t done anything else out of the ordinary, and he’s not into bondage or whips and chains. Hell, it’s a struggle to break him out of missionary. But, every time I get disturbed by it. Then I feel like I’m overreacting. Everybody has their kinks, right? Sex talk is about exaggeration and theater right? I mean, I also know I don’t have the biggest, hardest dick ever, but after he says it, I don’t sit up at night worrying whether he really believes it. If this is what gets him off, then so be it, right? Still, it almost feels like I’m being betrayed, like he took a safe place and suddenly, out of nowhere made it threatening. I just need to hear, “You’re overreacting!” from a professional so I can believe it and move on.
– Feeling Dirty From The Dirty Talk
DEAR DIRTY: You’re overreacting. Believe it and move on. Your conventional, non-BDSM, perfectly normal boyfriend needs just a hint of something hot and spicy to dress up his vanilla, and the least you could do is not feel betrayed by it. He didn’t set out to take your safe place and make it threatening. He found his own safe place in your arms where he felt he could trust you to honor his harmless desire without judgement. Try not to prove yourself unworthy of that trust because you’re a little uncomfortable and out of practice with dirty talk. In fact, my advice would be for you to pursue more filthy verbiage between the two of you. He’ll definitely appreciate the initiative, and you can start acclimating yourself to the notion that dirty talk does not in fact, make you dirty, Dirty.
At this point you may be thinking it’s not so much the raunchy words that bother you, as the fact that he seems to want to be debased with seemingly derogatory language. So what if he does? He’s “sweet and shy” outside the bedroom, and that’s a lovely way to be. But everyone needs an occasional break from such a quiet, respectable, controlled identity. In other words, we all long to be just a little “bad”. You see, I don’t think your boyfriend actually wants to be shamed or demeaned by you — if he did (and that wouldn’t be abnormal either), he would probably more interested in bondage or S&M. I think it’s more about role-play and exploring his bad boy alter ego. And that slutty, sinful, foul-mouthed bad boy that your boyfriend keeps hidden during the day sounds really fucking hot. You know, most people have to pay big bucks to hear the kind of exceptional filth you’re exposed to for free on a daily basis. Talk dirty to the boy and consider yourself lucky to have him.
DEAR LADY A: This might sound crazy to you, but I have this one song I like to listen to before I have sex, kinda like football teams have a cheer that they do before the game. It’s like my sexual spirit animal song. I don’t need it and I can have sex without it if we’re not at home or something, but I don’t know, I just like having it when I can. It makes me feel really sure about what I’m about to do in bed, and all confident and slinky and like Jessica Rabbit. My girlfriend says she thinks it’s cute, so she lets me dance around to it before we go to bed together. Do you think this is OK? Or is it doing some harm to the relationship that I can’t think of? I really hope not, because I love my sex song.
– Music Lover
DEAR MUSIC LOVER: Not only do I think it’s harmless, I’m wondering why I never thought of it. I love this idea! Because we all need a little help locating our sexual spirit animal, now and then. And when you think about it, we all have theme songs for so many other parts of our lives. We have breakup songs to put us in the mood to reflect on the past, summer songs to remind us to enjoy the sun on our shoulders, workout songs to get our adrenaline pumping, music to wake us up in the morning put us to sleep at night. It’s absolutely adorable that you dance around before you go to bed, and it’s also a great cue for your girlfriend that she might want to trim her nails or get the strap-on ready. Of course, I’m dying to know what your perfect, inspiring sex song might be, but you probably want to keep that information private, since it is the source of your power and all.
What I really like about you, kitten, is you require no reminding that this bedroom stuff is supposed to be fun. So, I have no advice but to carry on with your joyful, sexy dance.
Ps. It’s Prince, right? … No wait, don’t tell me! … Robyn, Peaches, Madonna! … George Michael?… ?