– Frustrated Femme
DEAR FRUSTRATED: If you need a dental dam, “like, right now!” and you’re in a drugstore that doesn’t sell them, buy a pair of scissors and a pack of unlubricated latex condoms. You’re going to build your own dam, you crafty kitten! Don’t worry, it’s easy. No glitter or crochet patterns required for this DIY. (Although flavored condoms might be fun. Just don’t bedazzle them.)
1) Open the package and place the rolled up condom on the table. Don’t unroll it just yet.
2) Cut off the reservoir tip. You’ll be left with a latex ring.
3) Cut open the latex ring, the way you’d cut a rubber band if you wanted to make it go straight. (This may be the only time I ever advise a reader to make anything “go straight”.)
4) Unfurl your shiny new, miraculously rectangular, dental dam!
No need to be frustrated, Frustrated. Your next emergency dam is just that easy to attain. You can also use non-microwaveable plastic wrap if you’re nowhere near a store. But it’s not stretchy or soft, so I only recommend it if you can’t get your hands on a condom or a proper latex dental dam.
DEAR LADY A: I’m gay and in a new relationship. How can I ask how my boyfriend specifically likes to be touched (but reeeally specifically like, “squeeze base now” or “rub head now” etc.) but still come off looking like a fantastic, genius lover who has all the answers? Asking for a friend who definitely isn’t me, because I obviously am…
– A Fantastic Genius Lover Who Has All The Answers
DEAR FANTASTIC GENIUS LOVER (And so humble, too!): Well, Mr. Penis Prodigy, tell your “friend” to sit in his new boyfriend’s lap and request a handjob. In that position, it would be nearly impossible for said boyfriend to do anything other than default to his favorite go-to fap routine. If your friend pays close attention, he’ll quickly get a feel for the feel of it … so to speak.
DEAR LADY A: Did you ever think a woman’s breasts were too big? Like so big, they were just in the way?
– Just Wondering
DEAR WONDERING: Maybe once, but I quickly got over it. By which I mean, I got over her. Or, on top of her, anyway…
Come to think of it, no. I have never thought a woman’s breasts too big. Or too small. But thanks for asking. Recalling boobs from the past is fun.