DEAR LADY A: I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for about three months and his personality is super cool, I have really strong feelings for him but he’s bad at sex and the worst part is he thinks he’s great. He’s always telling people he’s a “Power Bottom.” He pretty much just rides me like a joystick until he’s finished. He’s not worried about me, just assumes I’m done and then he just gets off me and goes to sleep. It’s really depressing, because it sometimes makes me feel like he doesn’t give a shit about me or my feelings, which is crazy because at any other time except sex, he so cares about my feelings! Or at least he pretends to. After sex, I don’t want to tell him I didn’t cum, because I worry he might think I’m trying to start an argument or even break up with him. But I would stay with him forever if I knew that he cared because other than the sex part, he’s fun and totally nice to me and I think I may be falling in love. Do you think his actions prove he doesn’t really care about me as much as he tells me he does? Or is he just naturally bad in bed?

– In It For The Guy, But Questioning The Sex

DEAR QUESTIONING: I’m not sure what happened in your past that your first instinct is to turn your boyfriend’s bedroom behavior into a passive-aggressive attempt at putting you in your place, but no. I absolutely do not think his behavior has anything to do with indifference to you or your sexual needs. It’s much more likely that he’s just plain insecure about his place in the relationship, inadequately educated, and guessing (poorly) about what might constitute consummate coitus. Listen closely to his words. His power bottom bragging is most likely the key to what went wrong.

Now, please don’t misinterpret. Let me state for the record, I adore power bottoms and only wish them more power and more opportunities to bottom powerfully in the future. But, when “power” is the only qualifier with which you identify, it can be limiting.

I believe at some point in his past, your man was struggling to express himself in the sex department (Not everyone is a natura l.. Or so I’ve heard). One day he discovered the one thing that really got his partner’s penis pumping, and that thing happened to be riding this man like a disaffected cowboy rides a petulant horse. It was this move that finally proved effective in his sex life with his former boyfriend; it was also a performance on his part, not an actual reflection of how he felt about his partner’s needs. In their particular relationship reality, it probably DID make him great in bed, it did give him some new control over things and it definitely made him into a self-identified power bottom. In his current relationship, you unfortunately never uttered the words, “Hey baby, look me in the eyes and show me that you care. And don’t get off right now, I’m not done yet.” He simply never knew his old, habitual bored-stripper-humping-the-pole style is a problem for you. And that, my dear Questioning, is all your fault.

I realize you didn’t write me to get called out, but you deserve a spanking, sir. You never gave your boyfriend the courtesy of telling him what you need to get off and now you’re holding it against him that he doesn’t know. You wrote that he’s “totally fun and nice” to you, that you may in fact, be falling in love. So, why are you questioning that, Questioning? Choose to believe that he’s in it for the right reasons and give him a chance to gain a little carnal knowledge before you give up hope.

Tell him that, tonight, you want to shake things up in the sack. Help him remember how nice it is to forgo his “power” status, if only for a little while. Ask if you can tie him up and climb on top. Or hell, just get him on his hands and knees for long enough to show him that he need not always be in charge of your cock to have fun with it. Take what you need for once, and then lead by example and do not finish fucking and fondling until you’re both good and satisfied. When you’re exhausted and sweaty and laying together in a naked, breathless pretzel, tell him how hot he is when he’s not worried about being the one in control. Then tell him what you told me, that you’re in it for the guy, certainly not planning on going anywhere, and that you think you might be falling for him. If he senses you’re being honest and open with him, he’ll have that sense of power he’s been seeking and you’ll get a much more generous, adventurous lover in return.

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