DEAR LADY A: I was out with a new guy recently. He’s mostly OK. He has a good job and an apartment of his own with no roommates and he’s definitely cute. But on our first date, he actually said the words, “I like to sniff underwear.” What the hell?? I didn’t really say anything at the time and I still don’t know what to say now. Is he a total freak, or what?
– Boxer Brief Grief
DEAR BBG: So, he loves the smell of nadsack in the morning, but you’re all, “The horror! The horror!” He may be more sexually deviant than you are, but that only means his taste lies outside what most people would consider ‘normal’. In other words, he’s probably not a total freak. But, unless he’s the kind of person who says things he hopes will shock you (which can be a type of sexual kink in itself) your new beau does have a fetish. Whether or not you want to live with this fetish is ultimately up to you, but there are a few things to consider.
First, you won’t know what you’re dealing with until you ask, so you’re going to have to endure your embarrassment and demand some details. He already brought up the subject, so he obviously doesn’t have a problem discussing his devotion to drawers. Which is good, because as a non-object-fetisher determining whether or not to move forward, you have two important questions to ask: Is he even capable of getting off without having a whiff? Does he prefer the garment worn … or soiled? Because there is a big difference between the two. If his bias leans toward gamey, musty, tainted-by-taint, erstwhile briefs you should probably just admit you’re incompatible and throw in dating the towel. Just don’t throw his towel, because who knows what’s on that thing?
On the other hand, if he savors the flavors of your worn-but-basically-clean undies (think fresh linen mixed with pheromones, a hint of fabric softener and a coquettish soupçon of testicle) you can probably give him a chance, even if you don’t technically relate. In fact, in the diverse — and let’s face it, often disgusting — world of object fetishizing, your man’s little habit is so common and harmless, it’s practically quaint. And when you think about it, who hasn’t enjoyed a sense-related kink now and then? If you’ve ever gotten hard at the feel of silk on your inner thigh, the sound of strangers fucking in the hotel room next door, or the taste of someone’s spunk on your tongue, you’re no more virtuous than he is in the freak department. So, if he’s inoffensive to you; and if your flesh and your underpants are willing, just stop with the grief and let him at your briefs.
DEAR LADY A: I know you’re bi now, and that’s cool. But do you think you might ever choose a side?
– Gold Star Lesbian
DEAR GSL: I may end up with a partner one day, but even then, I will never have to “choose a side”. I will simply be a bisexual dating the person she loves. You see, if they gave out gold stars for not second-guessing my nature, I’d have 30. I’m a fully-realized bisexual who’s never been confused, just as you’re a lesbian who’s never been confused. And honey, for the record, I don’t choose sides. I choose people.