Dear Lady A: Post-coital poker face

DEAR LADY A: What is your policy on post-sex analysis? Should you lie to your partner and tell him he was great, when in fact he was downright disappointing? Or is it best to, as they say, ‘tell the truth and shame the devil’, which might also shame him? So far, I’ve been taking the advice of the women’s magazines, i.e. praising him for a job well done, while trying to subtly encourage him to do things I like. But he’s a big prideful top who thinks he’s great in bed. He doesn’t ever take a hint, and he doesn’t seem to want to change his routine. I’m starting to resent the sex and question my commitment to the relationship to the point that I find myself complaining to my friends about him, not to mention writing in to sex advice columns. What the hell should I do? Maybe break up with him?

– Post-Coital Poker Face

DEAR POKER FACE: Oh, honey. The writing in to sex advice columns part is fine, because it’s anonymous. But let’s not pat you on the back for being extra sensitive to your sexually deficient boyfriend’s prideful peen, when you’ve admitted you’re all gossip girl about it with your friends. The truth is, you’re not bluffin’ with your muffin because you care about his feelings. You’re lying because you don’t want to cause a scene and it’s just plain easier to bitch about something (behind that something’s back) than it is to actually change it.

Now, I do give you points for trying the subtle hint approach – and perhaps it would have worked, had you not praised him for a job well done at the start of every attempt – but it’s far too late for that now. So unless you plan on never seeing him again (in which case, feel free to tell him he’s a Fuckadonis who shoots yummy, Greek-godlike glitter jizz if that’s what he needs to hear to get him out of your apartment) my policy on post-sex analysis is this: DO NOT lie about the quality of the sex. It’s ultimately not good for him, and in the short term it’s just plain awful for you, as you’ve already noticed. Here’s what the hell you should do…

Your web of lies must be unraveled artfully, so please don’t stalk up to him and declare, “I just thought you should know, you’re bad in bed and I’ve told all my friends!” Sit him down on the bed, sweetly tell him you think you can both do better in the sack and that you’d like to work on a new sex routine. Tell him you’ve put yourself in charge tonight and you’re really horny just thinking about it. Explain that you have a short list of positions and techniques you’re dying to try with him, present him with an actual written copy of said list (with illustrations, if possible) and tell him you just won’t take no for an answer. If he’s open-minded and game for new games, help him get it right this time by giving him clear, concise directions. Move his hand to the place you actually want it. Tell him, “Right here, baby. That’s perfect.” If, out of habit, he starts to descend into his old routine, remind him that it’s not on your list and physically put him where you want him. When you’re done and fully satisfied, engage him in your very first honest afterglow discussion. Only praise him on the things he actually did well, and if he asks you directly what you thought about something he tried … tell him directly what you thought. If he’s done his part and you’ve done yours, your post-coital should feel a lot less like a post-mortem.

If, for some reason he proves unwilling to learn new tricks or listen to your needs, or if his delicate ego is bruised to the point that he turns mean at your request, break up with the selfish prick. Go ahead and tell him, “I just thought you should know, you’re bad in bed and I’ve told all my friends,” then congratulate yourself on your new, and oh-so-rewarding commitment to honesty.

About Lady A

Sex columnist and disciplinarian, Lady A is a headmistress with an emphasis on head. She may even spank you. But only if you like that kind of thing.