DEAR LADY A: My girlfriend complains that I’m a crazy OCD germaphobe, and maybe in general I am, I don’t know. I can admit that I wash my hands more than some people. But I still think that regardless of any overly cautious tendencies I might have about pathogens, it’s just generally gross to keep using the same strap and dildo for long periods without replacing them. What do you think?
- Possibly A Germaphobe, But Accused of Being Crazy
DEAR GERMY: Since many of my advice seekers are slightly mentally ill (in the most charming ways, of course) I’m willing to bet you are in fact, “an OCD germaphobe.” But we’re here to talk about sex, not crazy. So, how much time exactly is this “long period” you mention? Are you referring to years, days or hours, Germy? Also, is the dildo skin broken down or smelly? Has it changed color? Or have you used a lube that wasn’t meant for that material? If the answer is yes, why the fuck didn’t you get rid of your toy sooner? You really are crazy, aren’t you?
On the other hand, assuming your fake phallus is in good health and your partner hasn’t changed since you bought it, my advice is simple: Always clean your lady cock immediately after use (while you’re making her a sandwich). And always use a condom. Because, as OCD as you are, most toys can absorb fluids that contain icky bacteria, and you’re actually right to be careful.
Straps can be problematic because it’s difficult to find one that really works for your particular needs, i.e. one that stays where it needs to stay without chafing. Once you find your magic belt, it’s difficult to let it go. Which is why it’s best to order more the minute you discover your perfect strap match (and, well, before you actually need another one). Just as you would with a dildo, you should change out your strap with each new partner. Not only is it more hygienic, but it’s also just the polite thing to do. Since you’re in a monogamous relationship, you should only replace your strap as needed, but wash it in hot water after you use it. Don’t bother fretting about fabric wear or color fading. After all, your strap isn’t built to look un-frayed and pretty, it’s built to anchor a fake penis to your pelvis. Let’s keep that harness as clean as your peen, shall we?
That’s really all it takes to be speckless and neat in the bedroom. Wash your strap, wrap your jock, stop being so damned OCD and get some perspective Germy! If you really think about it, our world is a disgusting, filthy toilet wriggling with microbes, coated in a fine film of dried bodily fluids that can only be seen by black light. And it’s all essentially harmless. Don’t waste your time worrying about things you cannot control.
Now, where did I put my hand sanitizer?…
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