DEAR LADY A: The girl I just started dating told me she has a clitoral hood piercing and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’ve never had one, or even seen one, but I’ve heard some horror stories. Plus, I’m not even sure I’d know how to maneuver around the damned thing. What are your thoughts?
– Mildred Un-pierced
DEAR MILDRED: The horror stories you’ve heard are undoubtedly personal hygiene-related and are much more urban legend than reality. If your lady is well-groomed, you need not worry about the cleanliness of any hole. If she’s not into hygiene, you probably didn’t want to deal with that salty snatch anyway, so piercings are really beside the point. Let’s assume your dream girl is oh so fresh and so clean; and let’s talk about your tongue. The great news about a lady-part piercing is that it tends to make things ultra sensitive which makes your job easier, if you think about it. (See? You should be thanking the lady, Mildred!) Think of that little metal barbell as a bulls eye; a kind of cheat sheet for giving her pussy pleasure. She’s been kind enough to mark the spot, now treasure it. Rub, lick and tease, like you would with any lady. Just make sure you don’t tug the piercing or suck on it too hard. You wouldn’t want a partner yanking an earring out of your delicate ear would you? The same rule applies with the soft flesh down below. And that is, most likely, the only time you will ever see me compare a vagina to an ear. Or, so I hope.
DEAR LADY A: What should I eat to make my sperm taste better?
DEAR FUNKY SPUNK: The most important thing for sweeter semen is what you DON’T ingest. Anything that makes your skin, pee or breath stink (onions and asparagus come to mind) you should definitely do less. Lot’s of red meat in a diet can be a cum culprit because it’s fatty and hard to digest, so you should limit your intake. But the number one disgusting habit you must break immediately, Mr. Funky, is smoking. If you’ve smoked in the last day, you might as well resign yourself to a load that tastes like dirty bilge water. And don’t fool yourself into thinking you can get away with smoking the other thing – that’s just dirty bong water. Drink plenty of actual water and give yourself a day or two to metabolize the stinkables out of your body. Then add in the good stuff: Strawberries and pineapple have been known to make spunk sweeter. Celery and citrus fruits give it a cleaner taste and I’ve heard some very positive things about cinnamon, lately. In other words, if it makes your skin, pee and breath smell pleasant, go ahead and eat it. And that should make your spunk less funk, punk.