DEAR LADY A: I was on the train to work in the city the other day, when I realized I was getting really turned on for no particular reason. I wasn’t next to a really hot guy or remembering some past sexual encounter. I was just sitting there, all alone, with a huge hard-on, thinking about how much I’d really like to have sex on a train. How can I make this fantasy a reality?
– TRAIN SEX ON THE BRAIN
DEAR TRAIN BRAIN: Assuming, like most of my readers, you’re a well-meaning pervert and not a creepy public molester or train wanker, I’m quite certain you will not be able to make commuter train sex a reality. And I suggest you don’t attempt it, as I have neither the money, nor the inclination to post bail for a reader who decides to play strangers on a train. (By the way, if you do one day attempt a train adventure with a stranger, always remember “criss-cross” is not another name for 69, so just decline.)
Now, there are cross country trains that offer sleeper cars, so if you have the funds and an adventurous partner, pick a destination and start packing the travel-sized lubes. However, if you’re not up for the journey, or if you’re looking to get off tonight, I suggest you find yourself the right type of “personal massager” since it was obviously the vibrations getting you hot, and not so much the atmosphere of coughing, sleepy business people texting and eating smelly sandwiches. After work tonight, stop in a Boystown sex shop and ask for a vibrator that fits around your balls, this should replicate the jiggling-in-the-groin sensation you’re looking to achieve. When you get home, download the remix to Tangerine Dream’s “Love On A Real Train,” slip on your new toy, close your eyes, let yourself get really hard and horny and go to town. Metaphorically of course.
DEAR LADY A: We haven’t bought a new mattress or anything, but lately, every time I get in bed, I instantly fall asleep. I’m in good health and it’s not like I’m constantly tired. But my husband barely has time to tell me about his day, much less his fantasies, before I’m snoring. We haven’t had a non-sleepy sex session for months and I’m starting to worry that this bed is killing our sex life.
– MATTRESS MALAISE
DEAR MM: Far be it from me to banish you from the place that obviously gives you the best sleep of your life when everyone knows a well-rested body is the first step toward sexual dynamo-ism. My advice: Stop waiting ’til the end of the night, after you’ve had dinner, to fuck (sex can get far more physical and sweaty on an empty stomach, anyway) and stop thinking you need to be in bed to do it. I realize you’re married, respectable now, and not likely to be surreptitiously frotting in a back alley anytime soon, but there are plenty of locations in your own home that would make it very difficult to fall asleep. Have your husband tell you about his day while you rub him down in the shower. Let him tell you his fantasies as you undo your fly behind him at the kitchen counter. Put the washing machine on spin cycle, lift his legs over your shoulders and indulge in your own own pretend train adventure (see above for other vibration ideas). You’ll never have to leave the house and you’ll never have to get in bed to resuscitate your sleepy sex life.